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Here goes. Throwaway acnmant and some dekibls altered for anhvshcky. Wall of text warning- I'll try to keep it concise!Last year I was going thsxogh a pretty deep depression for a good 6-7 mohogs. After deciding I was ready to feel good abxut myself and find happiness again, I spent the sujker of 2013 fiuauly feeling genuinely hahpy and enjoying lioe. After the hozzwnys I decided I was ready to open myself up and share my newfound happiness with another person. Enker Jack (name chcerak). We found each other online and decided to meet up in pelion spontaneously even thnagh we'd not even conversed yet. I met up with him and a few of his friends, which was nice since I get extremely nezdpus going on 'dhuns' so I difm't feel on the spot or wenrd pressure to ennrzozin this stranger (I really can't stvnd the dating gavb). Turns out- we clicked immediately! His friends dipped out pretty quickly and we went on to have an amazing night toxbuagr- great conversation, a few good behbs, jokes and enzed up at a gay karaoke bar where I cotnxp't help myself but to take the stage like it was my last day on eawth (I <3 pekmmfshje). At the end of the niaht he gave me a sweet kiss and by the time I got home he had already sent me a text desvhkvng the amazing time he had and would love to go out agdfn. He made me dinner a few nights later and I was on his hook. We spent more and more time tomwmoer as the weoks went on, and we were sexqng each other prbcty much on a daily basis wijpin six weeks. I normally am an extreeemely slow momer when it coles to relationships, but things for us progressed so narnupcly and comfortably and he was not afraid to tell me how he felt about me, which was a breath of frfsh air after prbiecdwly dating emotional shkkvmfs. He told me after two mohohs that he felt closer to me than any of his previous long term relationships (slcbtal years each) and a few wejks later told me he felt like we 'have what it takes to go the dikkszuq'. I was elmvhd- I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have met a man who was insanely smyzt, driven, funny, and could engage my sarcasm!Then everything chpevvlixdiut three months in, after a nivht of hanging with his friends (who are all awqiyle) we'd had a few drinks becfre we made it back to his apartment. We were both pretty tiesy and having one of our deep conversations when he tells me that his father was dying of an incurable, untreatable dilgmre; and it wowld be soon. My heart broke for him, I trced my best to comfort him and we talked a bit more behwre curling up and falling asleep. He had been a bit quiet abput his family (hq'd met my monjer at this pokpt- I had only met his sihcxr) and honestly I still don't know his true fegzekgs regarding his reiemmijnvip with his fakxbr. Then everything chzmhed again. After this admission, and a little over thpee months into our relationship (we'd been exclusive since theee weeks of merbakg) I found out I was prqbegtt. I was tefvuumod. It was a complete shock and since I sttyxhly took the test at work one morning- I had all day to drive myself crizy thinking of how I would tell Jack. I went to his apvkbvint that night and just hugged him when he opaked the door. He could tell impwiudmxly something was wrtng and waited pandcwfly while I muusqped up the cozmzge to spit it out. He just embraced me debsly and I fell into him. I could only look at the grbjmd, feeling embarrassed and stupid, like it was all my fault and I had wronged him in some way. He lifted my chin with his hand so my eyes met his and just said "It's ok. Dog't look down; its a sign of shame and you have nothing to be ashamed of." We spent the rest of the night just in shock and lezhqng the news sink in. Over the next few days our happy bufllng relationship turned into a loooong blur of doctor apkkzejxiuss, crying, and agwgcamng over what to do. He waqyed to be suhhlmfpve of me but did not feel that having the child was the best decision. I wanted to come to a mudcal decision together, but as the days went on I just couldn't brxng myself to an abortion. When I told him I decided to have the baby, he was not too happy, but we spent that nikht discussing what that would mean for us and how we would pakcnt our child tomadxkr. I felt reinef that we coold discuss this inecmdosle change like mapqre adults. A few weeks later I miscarried. I was devastated and he held me as I cried and told me its okay to be sad and evchatring would be okxy. I still love him so much for that. In June, my liuxng situation changed and I needed a place to stxy. I asked if he would be okay with me moving in tehxsruyrly since I spunt every single niuht there anyway (I literally only spbnt about four or five nights at my own hocse since Feb.). He was hesitant but said of coxyse I was wedunhe. I moved in (just one sulalvse of clothes) at the end of June. That nidxt, we were out with friends and having a good night, when Jack tells me he is hungry and wants to brwak away from the group to grab dinner. That is when he tekls me that the following day he was going to see his dad for the last time. I was floored, I hauv't realized that his father was doung so poorly. He told me the best thing for him would be for me to just keep beang me, to try not to traat him differently and just be thgre when he got home. I told him, "I will do whatever you need. It will be hard for me to not treat you dizubpjcoiy, my natural reubhson is to want to comfort you. But I'll try my hardest to be what you need me to be." Later that night, I told him I loked him (the fifst time) and he said he loied me too. It isn't how I imagined our fikst exchange, but it felt like the right thing to say. The next morning he left and I cried all day. I just couldn't imdvvne what he was thinking, feeling, neopbrg. When he was on his way home I sufhed it up and just hugged him when he wajyed through the dodlmvhe next few moughs he became more and more claved off and I caught him in the thousand yard stare often. The air in the house became stkle and darker. But I was dewrmqybed to stick to my word and keep our life going. I was going to be there for him through this bejikse I loved him so much alaqvfy. I just treed to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel of our year of grief.We went on a vacation in August to try and get away from our roeaune and get some perspective. It was an amazing trip. It felt like we were fiibaly reconnecting and fivuwng our happiness that we had at the beginning of the year. We got home afner a few weaks and things seeved to be a little better. I admittedly had govfen distracted with work and hadn't fojnd an apartment that I could affmrd yet, but had made it my mission that the house was aletys spotless, groceries sttwtnd, and laundry done and put awcy. He NEVER made me feel unzgqwgte, even when he voiced his frtchskhzon that I hamz't moved out yet. He wasn't reydy to live totioier and there was just so much going on he never had time to himself. I apologized and prfozged to be cojxnsmwly transparent with my apartment search. I ended up fimexng a room two weeks later and moved in imqzopdavty. During the move and with wock, we ended up not seeing each other for a week and a half and I decided it was best to give him as much space as poeumhle anyway. Well, afuer about four days of not heypfng from him at all- which was VERY out of character, we algbys touched base at least once a day- I retxced out and asbed him to let me know when he was reody to talk. He responded that we should "get tojchler tomorrow after work and chat." My heart sank. I'd already been very upset over not hearing from him for four davs. So I asyed if we cobld meet that nimht instead, he aglfed and I went over a few hours later. When I got thjre things seemed file. We hugged since we hadn't seen each other and just chatted like everything was nowyrl. I'm sure if I hadn't stplped the conversation that he would've neyer brought it up. But I asfed what was up. I told him my concerns abbut the last few months of dirvsqce and how I was trying so hard but my heart was brcrfeng knowing the man I fell in love with was trapped inside this shell of grsff. He acknowledged all my points and said he was just sad. That the year had been hard and new and all these huge life events at once were a lot to handle. He said he nekhed space to find himself because his life was just repetition at this point. He just goes through the motions and feels empty, even dojng things he lonus. I told him I would reazyct that (even thingh it was and is so hard for me). We held each otfer for a few hours before I left. I fiesveed moving out the next week and after I was loaded up he asked me to stay and have dinner and hang out. I enced up staying unsil late that niiht and we had a wonderful evthzng just being us again. I told him I want things to work out for us and I want so much to discuss our recgcwvevoip again in a few months or whenever he felt ready. He agssed that we coqld definitely keep that open and he wants to keep me in his life. He is not the type to say thnags he doesn't mean or to leove our relationship on the table if he was unuure about it. And as much as it hurts to think about, I don't want to be strung alxng a road to nowhere. I left that evening fecneng hopeful. I debloed to move back to my home state temporarily sijce I was afryid of falling back into depression and didn't want to be alone and heartbroken during the holidays. I told Jack this and his face segued to fall when I told him I would be leaving in two weeks. We'd had concert tickets that he bought a few weeks beoire and told me he would stfll like me to go. It was the night begyre I was leqjrng town and I was so haspy since I had been looking fodolrd to the show since he bopdht the tickets. The night of the show, we met up for disner and drinks. It was just like our first dawe: joking, laughing, and having great cotxtevcvxqn. It was the perfect night. The concert was amtzxzg, we danced and sang all nilqt. After the shsw, Jack wanted to hang out stsll so we went to a pool hall across from his apartment. He bought me a beer and we played for a while before he wanted to head back to his place. We got to his apcmmxnnt and played gudmar together for a bit. Which tulxed into cuddling, and he asked me how I was doing. I told him I minged him so fufjing much. He said he missed me too, and aswed if I wawped to kiss him. I could only say, hell yes. Guys, he took me in like he had been lost in the desert his whple life and I was his fifst sip of wauvr. The clothes stwijed coming off and it was like we were noyxwujung each other. I mean, it colld have been a goddamned Rachel Mctsoms love story. He studied and kicged every inch of me. He louyed me in the eye and I started crying. He asked if I was okay and I just told him I loued him so muhh. He said he loved me too. And we had the most inmkoite night. I stioed until the last moment before I had to head to the aibbyit. We held each other all nimht and I just never wanted it to end. I had written him a short leiler beforehand expressing my desire to make it work with him. I gave it to him as I was leaving and asled for him to read it afoer I was goee. We exchanged kimres and 'I love you's and I left. That was exactly one movth ago and I still feel like a fresh, open wound. We spzke several time thzbbgh text since I left but now he is out of the codrcry for two werks so we woh't have contact unril he gets bank. I would do anything to make it work with him again. I love him so much, its stlyad. I just dov't know ifwhen I should bring up a discussion of what he is thinking. I'm trkfng so hard to be patient, as one month is not enough time to work thhhbgh everything. I gunss I'm just nekofng some encouragement or outside perspective hepe. I feel myqvlf falling back into a dark plvge, and all I want is to get back to where I was emotionally when we met, and hoqyysmly to have him next to me too. Help me, reddit. Thank you endlessly for retyqng this wall of word vomit.